I know my last post made it sound like Marissa's upcoming surgery is a horrible thing. I don't want to mislead you. I think (hope and pray) the end result will be what we have been waiting for for years: getting her trach out for good. The last post (and I'm sure a few more in the future) came from a place of being scared to death of a lot of things this surgery will cause.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
First, I am never ok with my baby having surgery. She has had five surgeries so far and it never gets any easier. It is just not cool to have to hand your baby over to someone with a knife and trust that they will do what is necessary to keep her alive, and that they will make her better.
I have never been ok with anesthesia. She does not have any known high risks for problems with anesthesia but I hate it when she has to go under. Anybody ever had minor, outpatient surgery and had to go to a pre-op consultation, only to be told that the riskiest part of the procedure is the anesthesia? That stuff is nothing to take lightly! Marissa has to go under every time she has a bronchoscopy. I have to sign the surgery consent forms. A bronch is considered surgery, even though there is no cutting involved, simply because of the anesthesia.
I am never ok with my baby being in pain while recovering from surgery. She has proven to be a tough cookie through past surgeries but it still breaks this mama's heart to see her in pain. I hate that we have to cause her pain to give her a chance to be trach-free.
I have mentioned previously (and it won't be the last time you hear it!) that two side effects of this kind of surgery are increased risk of aspiration and diminished voice quality. I am not ok with that.
Having this surgery scheduled makes it more real, and that brings on the feeling of fear. Fear that we are making the wrong decision, fear that it won't work and she won't be able to lose the trach, fear that the unthinkable worst will happen.
Having said all that, I really do believe that this is the right thing for us to do and it will result in Marissa losing the trach and being able to move on with her life. I am excited that we are taking this next step! I just need to keep focused on the positive, which anyone who knows me knows is pretty hard for me to do at times. I am not as positive a person as some of you might think.
One last point of clarification, and probably the most important. I do not want to come off as complaining or ungrateful. I have some friends whose kids will have their trachs for life. I am grateful there is a surgery that will give Marissa a chance to get her trach out. I also know she could not be here at all and I am forever grateful for the trach that saved her life and allowed her to come home with us.
Please pray with me that I can let go of my fears, give my burdens of worry and fear up to God and let Him have them for good. Thanks, friends.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Posted by Alicia at 6:27:00 AM