"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." - Shel Silverstein

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My Shoes

I had the craziest rush of memories and emotions today, all brought about by gazing at my shoes.
These dirty, worn out, tired, faux crocs.

I bought these shoes the day Marissa was born. I had just been told that I was to be on bed rest until the 19th, when we had scheduled my c-section. I stopped by Payless shoes on the way home from work because I wanted something to shuffle around the hospital in and I didn't have any good slippers. I paid $7.50 for them.

I had always made fun of crocs. I thought they were funny looking. I still do, really. But there was just something about them that made me think they would be good for my hospital stay. Made of soft, squishy rubber - check. Easy to slip on and off - check. Non-slip soles - check.

Little did I know they would be good for so much more.

I was wearing them when my water broke at home. Any other shoes would have been ruined but I was able to wash them off, dry them and wear them again, right away.

They made the countless, endless, mind-numbing hours standing by Marissa's bed in the NICU more bearable, physically anyway.

They took no effort to put on as I hurried out the door the day the NICU called and told us Marissa was in congestive heart failure and needed to be sent to Denver for heart surgery.

They were so light on my feet as I would sit and hold my girl, looking at her with all the tubes and wires that had become so familiar yet so foreign, feeling as though the weight of the world was crashing down on my head.

They carried me silently up and down the hospital hallways to be with my girl more times than I care to count.

As I sat on the back patio swing today, watching Marissa run, jump, and play with such great joy and energy, it all came flooding back. I glanced down at my shoes and, I swear, I went back through every one of the 79 days Marissa spent in the NICU before she came home, in great detail. Don't get me wrong, I often think back and remember those days. Just not like I experienced today.

Eventually, she came up on the patio, climbed up on the swing, sat beside me, and reached for my hand. As we sat there holding hands, I once again thanked God for this little wonder of a girl He has blessed us with. To think of where she was exactly three years ago and to watch her laugh, play, run, and jump now is nothing short of a miracle.

All of this because I was wearing some old, worn out shoes.


Kendra said...

Thanks for sharing your shoe "walk down memory lane".....:)And, I'm so happy for your miracle.

Finding Normal said...

Awww. Your shoes made me cry! I love this story. It's amazing how quickly and fiercely it can all come rushing back, isn't it? I was watching the Duggers tonight, which I never do, and saw Mom hold baby for the first time....BAWLING!!! She wasn't even crying, said she felt like it, and I was a blubbering mess.

The VW's said...

It always amazes me that such a little thing can trigger such powerful emotions! Sounds like you and your shoes have been through a lot together! Sounds like you all have been through a lot together! And, look at you now! Look at Marissa! Nothing short of a miracle! AMAZING! Love and Hugs!!!

Lacey said...

Its amazing what brings a flood of memories back sometimes. I know thats happened to me before.
I remember after all my babies I was ready to go shopping and everything after they were born. But leaving the hospital after only 12 hours so I could go see my baby in the NICU, and walking up there so much. My back was killing me. And it seemed to take forever to recover from having him. Now I see moms in wheelchairs going up to the NICU and I think why didn't I do that!

DevonLeah said...

This post feels so REAL to me and I know many of us mommies that have babies with needs. I have those moments when you are thinking back, "How did I live through 3.5 mths in the NICU?" (Only God, of course)
thanks for sharing....makes me more and more thankful for my miracle, and I am so thankful for YOURS too!

On another note---I was youtubing some things today and came across Marissa's trach change! LOL I wanted to shout HEY< I know HER!! ;) She is such a sweetie pie...

Nana and PaPa said...

Wow....memory triggers are, I think, as strong as scent triggers when it comes to remembering the past. Awesome story. Thanks for sharing. Can you give me some info on how to find the youtube video of Mariss'a trach change?? Didn't even know that existed!

Makenzies Miracle said...

I had that same pair of payless croc when Makenzie was in the PICU and rehab for five and a half weeks! They were the best ugly shoes ever!!!!

Dana said...

Beautiful! The things that take us back and make us count our blessings.

I agree that they are the best ugly shoes ever!

Anonymous said...

What a sweet post! I love it - it's the little things in life!!!