"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." - Shel Silverstein

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Reality Bites

I am having a bit of a rough morning. I just scheduled Marissa's kidney surgery for January 22, 2009. The reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks once I got off the phone. I just sat at the table looking at my calendar and cried my eyes out. Mind you, I have not been sleeping well because Marissa has not been sleeping well, and I have PMS, so I am sure these things only enhanced my reaction. I know, TMI right? Hey, I'm just being honest!

Don't get me wrong, we knew that Marissa would likely have at least a couple more surgical procedures due to her complex multiple birth defects, but knowing that does not make this upcoming surgery any easier. I also know of other kids who have had so many more surgeries in their short lives than Marissa will ever have, and I know how lucky we are to have her the way she is.

It's just that something hit me really hard when I scheduled her surgery this morning. My mind went back to when she was in the NICU and the doctors and nurses had tried everything in their power to keep her off the ventilator and nothing was working. When they told us she would need a trach and a g-tube, we were obviously devastated but we started immediately working to make it happen. I called my mom and cried over the phone about what was to come and the dreams that we had for her that would not be coming true.

But it wasn't until I got the call from her ENT about when he was going to do the surgery that it really hit me. It was a Monday. I was actually at work and took the phone call in the break room. I stayed composed on the phone as he told me that he could do it that Wednesday. When I hung up the phone I realized the decision was made and it was so final. Nothing in my mommy power could be done to heal her. The only way for her to get better and come home to us was to do this. I could not stop the tears. Luckily my co-workers were very understanding and let me take as long as I needed.

Sitting here this morning with the reality of another surgery hitting me in the face brought back that same fear, pain, helplessness and sadness. I know she needs this surgery and it will make her better, but as any parent can relate, I don't want her to go through ANY pain EVER, even if it makes her better.

Having said all that, I'm not sure I will be able to find peace about this until she is healed from the surgery, but I do know that we are doing the right thing for her.

Thank you all for listening.

Ahhh, the taste of 100% Colombian coffee is so good on a cool autumn morning. :)


dreambuilder87 said...

Oh how tough it is sometimes to be a parent. When you know there's nothing you personally can do to heal her, (mommy & daddy kisses won't do this time) and surgery is the only answer, it just doesn't get any tougher than that. Marissa is a real trooper though. I've never known a infant/toddler that has the stamina and fortitued little Rissa Roo has to get through the toughest of times. It hurts us as parents so bad when our children hurt and struggle. God must have felt the same way when His own Son was sacrificed for our sins! Yes...it's about as tough as it gets to know there's another surgery in the near future, but the outcome will be so much better for her future. I know you understand that...it's just hard to swallow the reality right now. If it's any consolation, I will initiate not only the prayer chain at church in Pagosa, but I will also ask for prayers from Redlands UMC as the time draws near. That's DOUBLE the prayer power! Love to all of you....Nana & PaPa

Anonymous said...

Hang in there sister and dido to what mom wrote. Never easy to have surgery and I hope everything will work ok in the end.

Love you and don't let it get you down!
Auntie Chelle

Tara said...

Oh Bill, being a parent is definitely the hardest job ever. Know we're praying for you!

All our love!

Dana said...

Hi, I've seen you on everyone else's site I thought it was about time I checked out your site. Your daughter is wonderful. She looks very spirited :) As far as surgery goes I have a few things that we do. We spoil our selves with as much comfort items before, during and after. Extra stories,extra snuggles, extra play time together. Then during-- I need diversions. Last time we bought a new card game. A new book might work to. Anything to keep your mind distracted. A special treat for yourself brownie, candy bar etc. Then after take anything she finds of comfort. I pack a Dora movie (that's all she feels like doing right away), her music, (it would be a doll or animal if those were big to her.) I hope it goes well. I understand your fears. SOmetimes ours is just a routine surgery and I still get very nervous.
It's o.k. that you can't fix it just be there for her. Your her best comfort item.

Misty Rice-Baniewicz said...

Keeping you in my prayers..... her smile makes me smile. She is a strong little girl.... we parents hurt more for them, it is never easy I am sure. I can't even try to relate....all I know is that you are doing a wonderful job and I will be looking to hear how the surgery goes.

God Bless.