"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." - Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


A follow up to this post, to give you reference.

*edited below*

I've known adversity in my life. I've known true sorrow. I've lost loved ones and had my heart broken many times. Looking back, all of this was pretty typical, pretty normal in relation to what everyone goes through in this life. I used to think I had lived through some pretty tough times. Up until four years ago.

Four years ago, I found out I was pregnant on the Friday before Mother's Day. Then I miscarried my baby over Memorial Day weekend. From that point on, I have felt the rain falling on my life and in my soul. At different times, in different ways.

I got pregnant with Marissa four weeks after my miscarriage and almost miscarried her as well. It rained throughout my pregnancy with Marissa, through the time I was told she had an anomaly in her brain, a two vessel umbilical cord, and was small for her gestational age. Through the amniocentesis that gave no answers, through the genetic consults, through the time when I was urged to terminate. It rained when I was told she had stopped growing sometime between 31 and 34 weeks, that she was breech and they would not be able to turn her. It rained when I was told I needed to have a c-section.

It rained when she was born and was taken to the NICU to be put on life support. It rained every time she had to be re--intubated. It rained when we were told she needed heart surgery, when it was decided she needed a trach and g-tube. It has rained off and on since we brought her home on May 31st, 2007, through the different procedures, surgeries, and illnesses she has had to endure. And now, it is raining through these times, when I can not figure out how to spend the day with my girl without her throwing constant tantrums.

All of this is not to say that there have never been any sunny days in the past four years. Quite the contrary. There have been many times when the sun has come out, nice and warm, healing the hurts. I would even venture to say that there have been more sunny days than rainy ones. But the sunny days are always tempered by the knowledge that there is a rain storm lurking on the horizon. The rain is ever-present.

Now, before you go thinking that this is sounding like a commercial for Prozac, I want to list the positive aspects of rain.

Rain makes things grow. Just like the rain makes the flowers, trees, and grass grow, rain in my life over the last four years has made me grow. Having Marissa here has made everyone who meets her grow. All of the negative things we have experienced with her issues have made us stronger.

Rain cleanses. It washes dirt, muck, and grime away. Every time, after the rain stops, I feel refreshed and renewed. Clean. And, once again, the sun comes out and makes me smile.

Rain gives life. Looking back, I did not feel truly alive until Marissa came along. I had fun, I loved, I felt happy. But I did not truly live until she was here, problems and all.

Sun always follows rain. Long periods of rain make me appreciate the sun even more. Without the rain, how can we truly appreciate the sun? We would take the sun for granted, become complacent, and stop growing.

*edited to add* You can dance in the rain! One of my friend Ann's favorite quotes is "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." Isn't that beautiful?

Rain brings rainbows. God's promise that He will never leave us to die, cold, scared, and alone. A promise that He will cover us with His grace, not because we have done anything to deserve it, but simply because we are His.

Rain can be a good thing. And we will see the end of this rainy season, knowing the next one is waiting nearby. And, by God's grace, we will survive.

by Creed
(video below)

Can you help me out?
Can you let me a hand?
It's safe to say that
I'm stuck again

Trapped between this life and the light
I just can't figure out
How to make it right

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more...

I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
So let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
With every tomorrow comes another life

I feel it's gonna rain
For days and days
I feel it's gonna rain

I tried to figure out
I can't understand
What it means to be whole again

Trapped between the truth and the consequence
Nothing's real
Nothing's making sense

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more...


Fall down
Wash away my yesterdays
Fall down
So let the rain fall down on me


I feel it's gonna rain like this
Rain like this

I feel it's gonna rain like this
I feel it's gonna rain...

My apologies, Blogger is cutting half of the video off because it is so big. Once the video starts, you can click anywhere on it and it will take you to YouTube so you can see the whole thing.


The VW's said...

WOW, Alicia! This is a beautiful post! And, how true! I love your perspective on things! Thanks for this reminder! You are a blessing!

Sorry that you have had to face so much rain in your life, but it's obvious that all of it has helped you to "grow" into a wonderful lady! Love and Hugs!!!

Nana and PaPa said...

Such profound words. Thank you for sharing this with us. I remember those moments so well...as if it were yesterday. But the sun is coming out and will again warm you and make all things better. I love you....

Michelle said...

Oh, my sweet soggy friend. (pause for laughter) I'm so sorry for the rain storm that is pouring down on you. I wish I was there to throw my arms around you and give you a big hug. Know I'm praying right now! It just never ends in this world, but you are right, God the Father is there growing us, BUT rain also makes it difficult to do ANYTHING. I'lll be praying for your sun to shine, soon my friend, soon. This post almost needs a kleenex warning.

Finding Normal said...

Beautiful. I'm praying for you!

DU's Place said...

Love and prayers...beautiful writing!

Colleen said...

You have a way with words!:) Thank you for sharing this and the song.

Lacey said...

That was a fantastic comparison!
It looks like we both needed a gripe fest on the same day!

Ann said...

Great post! Loved it. Hugs,

Gretch said...

All I can say is AMEN and MUCH LOVE!! This life is something isn't it!??!?!

Shauna Quintero said...

Beautiful post, Alicia!

Rain is good. It sucks when there is so much of it and we're just waiting for the sun to come out. But you're right. Rain makes things grow and when we're done with the rain that's falling down around us in our life and the rain falling from our eyes on to our cheeks, we stop, look around, and realize there are new things growing. Beautiful things.

Kendra said...

I agree with the need for a kleenex warning. Thanks for sharing...I think your heart must live in India or somewhere because it seems like you get monsoons....praying the sun shines again soon, friend!

Hope said...

I'm teary after reading this. I do like that song. Thanks for sharing that, Alicia.

Always praying.

ferfischer said...

I too, understand the rain. Of course the rainy/snowy days lately haven't helped! And I know that it's really hard for me not to get wrapped up in the rain. And regardless of the good that rain brings, I am not a rain person - I prefer the sun, and this is something I have to work on.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I'm sorry you've had so much rain in your life. I just read the post below and WOW look at her temper in that picture! That must be hard to deal with. I hope that you can figure out something to help her deal with her emotions. I can't even imagine how tiring that must be.

We all walk through rainstorms ... but without them there would be no rainbows. :)