"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." - Shel Silverstein

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

3:09 am

That is what time Marissa decided to wake up this morning.  That is what time Jeremy jumped out of bed in an attempt to put her back down. 

4:00 am.

That is what time I took over for Jeremy in my attempt to put her back to sleep.  Still awake. An hour after she first woke up.

4:45 am.

That is what time I finally blew my fuse and yelled at my daughter for not sleeping.  Not proud of myself at all.  Ashamed.  Bad mother.

I do not do well without sleep.  I lose my temper very quickly.  I hate this.  I feel like a monster.

Marissa does this often enough to make things very tense around here sometimes, but not often enough that we think it is a medical problem.  I have very close friends who are probably packing up to go home from a sleep study with their daughter as I type this.  A non-sleeping sleep study.  Because their daughter does not sleep very much at all.  Ever. 

I try to keep things in perspective.  I try to remember my friends who have not had a halfway decent night's sleep in so long, it would make your head spin.  For some reason, it does not help the way I would like.  I still lose my temper.  I still feel sorry for Jeremy, Marissa and myself for not getting enough sleep.  I still feel like a monster.

Sorry for this grumbling whining post.  I know there are many more people with much bigger problems.  Speaking of which, please pray for MckMama's son Stellan

Things will get better today.  I will try to keep the monster at bay.  Marissa will nap and so will I.  My ever-patient husband will probably fall asleep at his computer, almost hitting his head on the keyboard, and laugh to himself.  And, if his buddies see him do this, they'll all have a good laugh out loud.  We will get a better night's sleep.  This will all happen again, but things will be OK. Things have to be OK.  We have bigger battles to fight.


Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Oh sleep is so important, and then maybe you wonder should I do a sleep study.
I do it when Alex cries out for weeks in a row, then he stops for weeks in a row and we guess it must have been teeth.
Its hard without sleep, its hard when you worry,its hard! Monsters come out for all of us, dont feel bad.

Queen Mommy said...

I HATE those middle of the night wake-up times. When my girls were Marissa's age, it usually had to do with teeth or ear infections. Plus, it seemed like the twins usually teethed about the same time, so I had a better idea what was health-related, and what was normal toddler stuff.

NOT that that makes those sleepless nights any easier. We lived the first three years of the twins' life in a blur, eeking out 5 hours of sleep at night most of the time, even WITH a homecare nurse all night. Like you, I do not do well on little sleep either. So, I feel your pain. I really do.

Hope you can catch a nap today, and these obnoxious wake-up times come to an end soon! (My girls are still super early risers, waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 most mornings.)

The VW's said...

I always say that I'm a good mom, but NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! This makes for a VERY grumpy mom!!! You are not alone! Hang in there! Hope you guys get a good nap and a great night's sleep!

Hope said...

You should've booked the room next to Faith last night! You are not a bad mom. You are a sleep deprived Mother, nurse, resp therapist, phyical therapist, doctor, etc... to Marissa. You do it all and need sleep! I'm sorry you aren't getting it. ((Hugs)) to you!
I know it doesn't help, but there are a few of us up right along with you.=)

Nana and PaPa said...

Oh sweetie, I've known for a LONG time that you don't do well without sleep. And like Hope said, you wear MANY care hats for Marissa, so it is really difficult when not only are you busy and consumed with her care by day, but then you also have to be up with her most of the night! Try to keep it all in perspective....and rest when you can. Hopefully you ALL will get a good night's rest tonight. Love you guys...hang in there.
Nana & PaPa

Dana said...

I agree lack of sleep is so hard. I loose my cool as well when I'm tired. I do alway count myself lucky because if it all does go out the window ---I can still Nap during the day. Yea! Hope you get some rest tonight.

Anonymous said...

Hey...not a monster although I have felt that way too! Kaden went through a time where he too was rising at ungodly hours and seemed perfectly content that it was still dark outside. It lasted a few months (felt like a year) and then he got back into a more normal sleep pattern. It will get better!

Michelle said...

Sleep is good! No sleep, bad.... Sorry you had a rough night.

Love you,
Auntie Chelle

Rachel Marini said...

I love how you keep the perspective, Alicia. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, too. I also know what lack of sleep does to all of us and it's not good!!! you are a great mom... amazing... Marissa is so lucky and i thank you also for being a support to myself and Gabe.
I FINALLY put a link to your blog on Gabe's blog, I've been meaning to do it for months because I keep up wiht Marissa's blog all the time.
Have a good nights sleep I hope.

Michelle said...

I wish I could email you, I'm a little ashamed to even write this comment. As I'm writing this Lillian sits with a snot dripping nose and a low temp this morning after coughing all night. UGH. I'm so terribly overwhelmed with my life sometimes I just don't know if I can handle it all. I'm sorry you had a crap night. I know how you feel being a "monster". My kids asked me yesterday why I kept yelling. MOTY. Sending you a hugs and praying for a sleep-filled night!!

Finding Normal said...

I hope you're sound asleep by now. I'm not sure why I'm not! I don't do well without sleep either. I was up with a puking dog the other night, cleaning it up, taking him out, etc and it was a nice reminder to me of one of the few reasons I do not want to have another baby. I'm just a raging b in the middle of the night.
Will she tolerate being put back in bed? Or does that result in a massive fit? It may be (look at me, sounding like an expert) that she's needing less sleep. Or even needing more. Geez, I'm loads of help, right?
Tylenol never hurt anyone at 3 AM. Just sayin.

Ann said...

No need to apologize for being a grumpy mom when you are dogged tired. I've always maintained that lack of sleep is the worst form of torture there is. I hope tonight is a better night.


Gripping Mercy and Grace said...

Oh I sure hope things will be better tonight! Don't feel bad we all experience those mommy moments and its so much easier to react in our flesh! I am so guilty of this! I live with my monitor every night and sometimes instead of yelling I just flip it off.. then I feel guilty and begrudgingly walk down stairs (praying i don't "fall") to soothe and console! Oh momma hood! Thinking of you friend!!!

Jacque said...

Oh how familiar this sounds. DOn't worry, I'm a monster right there with ya...I know that doesn't make you feel any better. I get pretty upset with myself when I get frustrated with my children. You are very positive though. This too shall pass...(and something else will begin!)